Break Every Chain

When James and I traveled to China to bring our Jacob home, we were away from our children here at home for three weeks. Jeffrey was only in first grade and three weeks away from mom and dad seemed like an eternity to him. It seemed like a really long time for all of us to be away from each other. To help our children with the anxiety of the time that we would be separated, they each made a paper chain. Each night of our absence, they tore a link off of their paper chain to help them count down the time until we would be together again. I remember that when we first hung their paper chains up, they seemed so long. Jeffrey commented on how long his chain was and that it seemed like it would take forever before he could take off the last chain link. The kids were faithful about removing a chain link each night and before we knew it, the three weeks were over and we were all reunited, only this time, our Jacob was with us.

The 15th of each month is always extremely painful. It marks another month from the last time I got to hold my breathing, soft and warm Cub. It is difficult to not replay the events of that last day of Jacob’s life over and over in my mind. The first three “month anniversaries” have been nearly intolerable. As I lay in bed last night, dreading the fact that today was the 15th, I decided that I couldn’t handle a lifetime of these sad anniversaries each month. I decided that I needed to change the way that I think about this day. I decided that rather than counting the number of months that it had been since Jacob took his last breath, I would count the anniversary as another month down until I got to see my living breathing warm baby Cub again. I decided that I needed a paper chain. I planned that each month, on the 15th, I will bring my Jacob a paper chain link that has been torn off, figuratively speaking, from the paper chain that counts the time until I am with him again.

I have learned first-hand that life is very fragile. In an instant, life can be unexpectedly ended. I don’t know how many links to put in my paper chain. Today’s link may be the last link that I ever place at his gravesite or I may live to place hundreds more. But, my hope is that by placing a chain link on my son’s grave each month, I will focus on the glorious promise of resurrection and eternal life. I will try and focus on the future promise of reunion rather than the pain and sorrow of separation.

Now before I finish my post for today, I want to share a tender mercy that I received from the Lord just minutes ago and I pray that I am not offending Him by sharing what I very much believe to be His gift to me. As I returned from the cemetery, where I brought Jacob the first link of my new tradition, I pulled into the garage and lifted my hand to turn off the car. As I did, the radio announcer introduced a “brand new song from Digital Age, Break Every Chain.” I of course didn’t turn off my ignition, but rather sat in my car with tears streaming down my face as I listened to a song that I know was given to me right at the very moment that I needed it. I believe in tender mercies and I believe with all my heart that the Lord sent me one today. (You can listen to the song at this link)https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxxYqSwJRuU