Scars

The week before Jacob’s stroke, I found out that I would need extensive surgery. The surgery would be very risky and required that I have a team of top surgeons.  With Jacob’s passing and the need to coordinate several surgeons’ schedules, the operation was scheduled for late January.  With blessings from the Lord, and competent and skilled surgeons, the surgery was successful and we are grateful to have it behind us.

As I lay in bed recovering from the surgery, I have a lot of time to think.  If I am honest with myself, the majority of those thoughts are of my Jacob and the pain that I feel at his passing.  The pain associated with the new twelve inch abdominal incision pales in comparison to the open and raw wounds of my broken and shattered heart.

Coming home from my two week post-op visit, I asked my husband to stop by the cemetery.  Before my surgery, I had visited the resting place of my sweet Jacob every day.   This was my first visit to his grave following my surgery.  This was also my first visit to his grave since the snow that had fallen on the day of his funeral had melted away.   The grass that was once beneath the snow was now visible again and bore the scars of the ground being opened and closed to bury our treasure.  I could now see the outline of Jacob’s once opened grave and the bulge in the ground where our treasure box now lies.  I was not prepared for my emotional reaction.  I fell apart.  The obviously pieced-together grass intensified the painful reminder that Jacob’s little body was so close yet still out of my reach.  The ground scars mimicked those gashing scars left on my heart from my little boy’s passing.  It was painfully obvious that my physical scars were going to heal immeasurably faster than my emotional scars.

I am familiar with surgeries and scars.  My abdomen alone bears the scars from eleven surgeries.  These scars have bothered me and made me self conscious.  Most of these surgery scars are related to my role as a mother.  Some scars represent the precious and immeasurable gift of a little life, while others represent only heartache and the loss of yet another little child that we will not be blessed to raise in this life. Some scars have healed quickly while others necessitated many weeks in the hospital and months of healing.   My precious husband has always been so sweet about my scars, acknowledging his gratitude for my sacrifices as we put our family together.   I am deeply grateful for his appreciation for my sacrifices to be a mother, but a woman likes to feel attractive and beautiful and it is difficult to do so when past injuries are so obvious. 

However, a short while ago I heard a quote that changed how I viewed my scars, “Never be ashamed of the scars that life has left you with.  A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed, you endured the pain, and God has healed you.”  This simple truth reminded me of all that my husband and I had learned during the difficult and scarring times in our lives.  We had grown closer together as a couple, closer to the Lord, closer to our family and friends and learned lessons that could only be learned through the healing of these scars, both physical and emotional.

Recently, I found another quote and although I have been unable to identify the individual who deserves credit for the quote, I find the statement simple and profound. “Look for someone’s scars and there you will find their purpose.”  How true this seems to be for me.  One can look at my scars, both physical and emotional and you will find my purpose.  I am a mother.  My purpose is to love.  I believe with my whole heart that my mission on earth is to be the best wife and mother that I can be.  Although I make countless mistakes in my endeavors, my entire life is dedicated to my pursuits in these roles.  It consumes my mind, body, and heart.

However, this quote has much deeper meaning.  As I try to heal from the physical and emotional scars of motherhood, I could not do so without my Savior.  As I look to the scars in His hands and feet, I find His purpose.  Because He bears those scars, He knows how to heal mine.  He knows how to carry me when I cannot walk.  He knows how to heal my broken and shattered heart, because he bears the weight of my emotional scars.  While I bear the physical scars of giving my children earthly life, my Savior bears the scars of giving them eternal life.  Because of His scars, I am able to heal.  Because of His scars, one day the scarred ground above my precious buried treasure will open and my Jacob will emerge whole and healthy.  Because of His scars, I can be with Jacob and my entire family forever.

I believe that everyone who walks this earth has scars.  Some are physical and obvious, but most are deep emotional and spiritual scars.  We experience pain, loss, sorrow, heartache, and betrayal.  We are scarred as we suffer, learn and grow.  We are scarred as we love deeply and unconditionally.  The miracle occurs when we allow the scars of the Master Physician to bind up our wounds, help us through our pain and ultimately heal us.  The scars left from this healing process are precious.  I am grateful that they stay and do not disappear.  They serve as a constant reminder of Christ’s purpose and the immeasurable love that He has for you and me.  How grateful I am for my Savior’s scars.